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How to Cope with Being the Strong Friend

In many of my friendships, I received the “strong friend” award. The friend that always holds things together, the friends who always listens and holds everyone down, the one called when happy, sad, ready to party whatever. I’ve been the friend that was able to take everything on. Sometimes I felt really good about that. It felt good being someones person. It felt good to be considered strong, like superwomen. 

Over time, it started to become a burden. It was wearing me down. I realized in my friendships, relationships and family, I was busy being the strong friend. I was busy being strong when I felt alone and depleted from giving to others. The “you will get through this like you always do” didn’t seem like a badge of honor anymore. Shit, I forgot how to cry, how to feel, how to receive the same compassion and support I gave to everyone else. I felt like when I needed to talk something through it became a telenovela scene as opposed to a conversation. 

When I realized this, I had to take a step back and analyze the relationships in my life. I needed to analyze what those relationships meant and how I was allowing myself to be treated. Of course there was internal resentment that I allowed myself to create. I didn’t require boundaries in my relationships, I didn’t require my relationships to be a two way street. With this, I took a step back and needed to identify, how can I change this and pour into myself? 

Some tips I’ve acquired through this transition: 

Talk to your people. Have an open & honest conversation with them about how you are feeling. Open up the ability to make the friendship a two-way street. Share your feelings with them, allow your friends to be – friends.

Set Boundaries in your relationships. Now when you do this, you may lose some people, I defiantly did. Those are the friends that only desire to benefit from your relationship, not actually contribute to it. And this is ok, it allows you to identify which people are your people. Which relationships are 50/50 and not draining to you. When you realize this and have these conversations, true friends will allow you to vent too. They will ensure you are heard and make time for what you need. 

Find a Therapist. Being able to deal with some of the emotions you’re feeling and the unresolved feelings, deal with any resentment you may have. ITS OK to feel that way, trust me it’s normal.  Understand why you allowed yourself to be in those relationships that are draining for so long. Learn more about who you are.

Don’t feel bad for putting yourself first. You deserve to be watered too. Your needs matter. You’ll never be able to ask for what you need in your friendships/relationships if you don’t know yourself. Your love is overflowing, and that’s amazing, but so is balance. 

Time heals. This transition will NOT happen overnight, and it may get a little uncomfortable. But don’t be so hard on yourself. It takes time to set boundaries and stick to them, filter through feelings and heel. No one ever said it was easy, but trust me. In a year, you will be grateful you did. 

Hope these tips help you as much as they helped me. But the bottom line is, it’s ok to not always be the strong friend. Being strong is actually allowing yourself to be vulnerable and in need sometimes. Something I learned from my therapist. 

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